Seems like people outside of the adoption triad immediately think that if you decide to search for your biological family and history that there has to be a reason more than just curiosity. Let me start by saying my adoptive family was not perfect – and I’m not sure anyone can say they had the “perfect family”. I can honestly say that I was always given 100% love and support!
My parents never missed a band concert, a softball game or whatever it was that I was involved in….they never missed! My parents were always proud of me – they might not have agreed with all of my choices, but I always knew I could count on them! My parents raised me to be a strong, independent woman.
So as a teenager, I always knew I wanted to search. When I shared this with friends and family the question that everyone seemed to ask first was “how do your parents feel about this and have you told your parents”? It is almost as if their feelings about my identity should come before mine. Whose identity is it?
I sort of have to blame society and the stigma and beliefs surrounding adoption that makes those not in the triad have opinions that they believe are valid…again this is after they get the stereotypes that go along with the happy ending movie version of what adoption is -or what they portray it to be.
Do you think it is fair to judge anyone who wants to know their history or who they are or where they came from? I don’t. I believe adopted people get asked basic adoption questions and if they don’t go along with the mainstream of what people see on TV then it’s bad. If the adoptee chooses to search and open “Pandora’s box” than it must be that the adoptee is to blame. After all, we as adoptees are suppose to be grateful so if we speak out about adoptions in a different light then others tend to be offended as it goes against what they know – so ultimately we (the adoptee) must be unhappy.
One of the biggest reasons adopted people decide not to search is fear of hurting members of the adoptive family. Many of my adopted friends have actually said they have the desire but will probably search once their adoptive parents are deceased. My heart hurts for them because the desire is obviously there and they are taking their chances that their biological mother will outlive their adoptive parents.
Because I did have such a strong support system, I knew that if I searched and things didn’t go as planned (as I knew was a possibility from the adoption agency) that they’d be there for me as they always were.
So – the desire to search does NOT mean you are unhappy. It actually means that my parents were fabulous parents and they were great role models. They raised me to be confident, strong and independent. I needed all of those attributes when I searched. I searched to find the rest of my identity – not to replace or find something I didn’t already have. I just wanted to fill in the pieces to the puzzle of Desiree that were missing and only my biological family could place those pieces together.